apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
