why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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