I love black thongs
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
