i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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