she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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