Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
