I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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