Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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