What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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