I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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