This girl is more easily done than said...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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