We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
