you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
