i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So much Jack, so little girl.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
