I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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