Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
