hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
