I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
