btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
How external is "for external use only"?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
