Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
