I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
