just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
