Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
