I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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