i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
