Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
