I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
