New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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