I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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