his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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