as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
