I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
