he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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