Is it because I queefed?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
