my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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