When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
