I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
