you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
