The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
