i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
