There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
