There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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