he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
