I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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