First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
