my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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