I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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