From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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