first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
