If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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